Thursday, September 11, 2008.

Names have been changed for privacy.

If there was only one message that I could tell you, it would be that Jesus is Lord, and that I strive to live each of my days as if I were Him. I would also have to mention that I am a sinner, and that I cannot wash it off of me myself. I find that I am driven daily to connect those in my world with God with a hunger that cannot be vanquished. It is an ever-present itch to show others what a life with faith can do to you, how prayer works in every aspect of this life, and what health really should mean.

I used to be a part of a close-knit business group where 98% of the room at any one setting believed in Jesus. I do not associate with this group any longer and have filled my time with other activities--through which I have found that there are still so many people in this world still do not know Jesus. I enjoy being around those who are unchurched and unbelieveing because I can introduce the concepts of faith and a Father in so many real-life instances.

I connect with the superhero icon so much, I think, because I possess a very deep need to bring people closer to God. Which doesn't always go over so well.Today I got fired from my job.

For whatever surface reasons that motivated my termination, I really think that Henry, the lunch truck proprietor of 15 years, really just didn't want me shaking things up anymore. I was certainly surprised when I took the job of a lunch truck sales girl as an interim source of income after having left a nannying job, though, and even more surprised that I'd kept it for as long as I did, 3 months. But I had such a sense of duty about that job.

Even though Henry was old, grumpy and sort of scary, the trucks were rickety and the food was questionable at times, I threw my heart into it because of the type of influence that I wielded once I saw that my boss, each of my coworkers and the construction worker clientele each had certain struggles and pain in their life that I could pray for and encourage them in. Eventually, telling them about who Jesus is.

Henry's rented space reminds one of a dungeon or a tomb. Old tires, jackets from 1997, boxes of coffee cups still half-full, dirty rags and pallets of Coke and Pepsi product that had never really been counted zig-zagged through the dark warehouse, leading to a broken-down bathroom littered with used razor blades and sorely misplaced bottles of mustard and mayonnaise. A rickety garage door that lets light in in the mornings was never opened by him as he sat at his computer in the morning, smoking cigarettes, us loading our trucks for another day out.Behind the door of the office, typing into his computer he would mutter to himself, "what the fuck is this shit...this shit's not worth a goddamn...what a bitch..." while he inputted the inventory sheets and vendor invoices.

In the afternoons, he tuned in to documentary shows that covered serial killers, insane killers, how-to forensics and killers' case updates.He would often joke about wanting to kill one of us and I would often wonder if he actually did fantasize about it, and if he would really try it. Once I overheard him on the phone to his wife, "let's rent a movie tonight...how about one where a guy kills his wife and gets away with it!!...ok...love you too, honey." I was pretty quiet for a moment or two after that.

I tried to look for more signs to either ease my thoughts about this or confirm them. I ended up believing that yes, it was possible for him to want to bury someone behind the warehouse, but that I was not to fear him. I preferred to be a strong and positive influence in the staff to counter any demons that may be within him, eventually influencing him into believing in God.

Henry ran his business under the table and always sought more ways to avoid a paper trail of any kind. This is why he could be so generous, because he didn't pay many of the taxes that the government says that he should. I saw my pay increase at a rate of $25 per week since I'd begun three months earlier. The raises never seemed right though, and I often would ask him about them.We occasionally talked of me taking over the company.

Henry had been looking for someone to allow him eventually retire. I seemed like the perfect candidate because I was excited about the job and a quick learn in business. Something about the way I related to Henry, though, did not work. At first, when he saw that I was excited about the job and that I could bring in the money, I was given free reign that allowed me to change the criminal shows to something positive like the Food Network. I was able to request virtually any item for the trucks like cigarettes and Snickers bars and Henry would be on the phone to a vendor the same day to order it. I could feel the business becoming more prosperous with my help, and it energized the crew.

Eventually, amid all of the changes that we were making and all of the new systems that we were imparting together, I approached Henry with a schedule change."Henry, I love working here. I need to supplement my income, though, and would like to work for you Monday through Thursday so that I can be an executive assistant on Fridays. I understand that I'll take a pay cut, but this is important to me." Henry had never had an employee tell him that before.

"I don't know what to tell you, January," he said. "I need someone to work five days a week." I asked if he would be able to keep me on for the shortened schedule, to which he reluctantly accepted. The following Thursday, today, I was told not to come back on Monday. "I need someone to work five days."

Why he changed his mind I'll never know. On a subconscious level, though, I think Henry saw my desires to open up the office, let it air out and confront unproductive systems as not helping him accomplish his goals, whatever they really were.

I sometimes wish that I was the type to come in to a job, shut up, put my head down, get to work and not ask questions. I realize that my desire to see people encouraged, succeeding and healthy causes me to voice my opinion, and that that makes some people uncomfortable. I am someone who allows Jesus's acceptance, vulnerability and great faith to show, and I think that it was very threatening to Henry.

Ok, so I'm out of a job. I'm not going to miss the trucks that barely work. Or the mud that I slip in when it rains during the day. Or the dingy way Henry keeps his shop. I am sad that I won't be there to ask about Carrie's husband who is battling lung cancer, eventually praying with her. I won't be there to show Jessica that it's ok to look attractive and put together and to lose extra weight without being a flirt. I want to encourage Jaimie, a recent university grad, to grow into a self-respecting woman, not a scared, victim-minded single girl.

I know that I will carry this burden where ever I go. There will be other Henrys, and Carries and Jaimies. I hope that my example was that of a girl who knows of God's mercy and protection, and that it's ok to seek Him and invite Him into our lives.